Fitzroyvian The Great Magician

The Mews Theatre The world of magic is not for everyone FITZROYVIAN THE GREAT MAGICIAN

The playroom had been transformed Toys tidied up, boxes as makeshift seats And what for, what was happening this time It was the greatest show on earth The great Fitzroyvian was in town Roll up, roll up The curtain was drawn back The celebrated magician took a bow His beady eyes surveyed the theatre The kids from next door were there Fitzgerald was there, but thankfully and thoughtfully, and very carefully, tied to a chair Mum and Dad were there The dolls, the bears, the action men, the plastic men, were there The headless medieval knight with his entourage of fighting men Hard men hewn from metal or composite materials who do as they are bid unquestioningly, were there But first, to pick from you all a glamorous, alluring assistant Isn’t that a bit sexist Fitz, whispered Mum Shush, said the eldest, it’s just the show With Mum still mumbling about role models Fitz made his pick and she was propped up on stage Fitzgerald started She can hardly stand, too much to drink, he shouted Shut it Fitzgerald, said one of the boys, or me and my brothers will evict you, chair and all Fitzgerald muttered some mercifully unintelligible obscenities but then complied This also served to quieten Mum Only too aware of the Playroom Treaty signed last year The playroom was the kids’ domain Gives them a sense of responsibility and control Commented Dad at the time So, at last the show could go on And it did go on and on and on In truth, of the many talents Fitzroy does have, magic did not appear to be one of them Card tricks involving interminable counting Disappearing routines with clunks and clicks and clumsy and obvious paw movements Table magic routines straight out of last year’s luxury Christmas crackers Dad was getting restless, important party meeting to attend Mum was still a little bit upset Fitzgerald was writhing on the floor, chair and all And now, announced the eldest He who was the master of ceremonies, impresario, bouncer, and general dictator But actually not a bad lad

The great event A feat of the most extraordinary, bewitching, and eye-deceiving dexterity Your senses will be paralysed and pulverised in unbelieving non-comprehension of that that you are about to see The Great Fitzroyvian seeks a volunteer Come on, I’m looking for volunteers, anyone It was Tuffty the bear who was pushed forward, somewhat against his will Somewhat fearful of what might befall him Given that the Great Fitzroyvian’s skills were perhaps not all they were cracked up to be He was placed inside a cardboard box, his head and feet exposed A saw was produced A frisson of excitement and apprehension animated the audience Yes, it was finest Sheffield steel with teeth as sharp as an eagle’s claws Couldn’t find the plastic one so borrowed Dad’s from the workroom, whispered one of the kids to his parents Fitzroy started to saw

But meeting resistance One of the brothers was invited on stage to assist with the gruesome task No blood, so far, so good But, as the audience clapped and raised in salute And the great magician invited them to inspect the saw

Dad exclaimed My God, it’s snagged with kapok, this looks bad Tuffty stared forward blankly, he couldn’t feel his legs He saw himself running down a tunnel with a blinding light ahead Fitzgerald was now the only one enjoying the show He’s haemorrhaging kapok, screamed one of the kids hysterically His vital signs are fading Quick, quick, where’s the doctors set In a box, front seat of the stalls, move you kids, move Find the syringe, give Tuffty a shot That should stabilise him, but now what Dad turned to Mum, now recovered Mum put on her mother voice Think it’s best the kids from next door go home now The show is over We will have to talk about this later when we have had a chance to think it through Me and Dad will clear up here What about Tuffty, asked one of the younger ones Dad put on a serious air and started to speak, but Mum interrupted I should be able to sew him back together OK, he will be scarred right round the middle But we can comb his fur over so no one will notice In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Tuffty doesn’t become quite proud of his scar Aye Tuffty But Tuffty, standing in front of a blinding light, could not hear He dwelled there a while, then turned to return to the Mews Dad looked at his watch, muttered something and hurried off Mum was searching around downstairs for suitable sewing thread

Fitzroy shrugged and gathered up his magic set Magic no longer in the air.