The Only Talk Show in Town

The Playroom

To interview weekly requires considerable strength

THE ONLY TALK SHOW IN TOWN

The kids were in the playroom

What to do, the usual question

Fitzroy was off with Dad somewhere

Probably in some dangerous disease and insect ridden corner of the world

Said the eldest girl

Or trying to locate the last cannibal tribe

He never takes us, was the usual moan

The only place we get to go to is the local hamburger place

I’d say that is quite a dangerous place, said another

I want to be in some disease and insect ridden corner of the world with Dad

Said one of the younger ones

I know, let’s set up a chat show and interview some of the toys, suggested the eldest girl

She appointed herself as the interviewer

What shall we do, asked the others

I dunno, think of something

Makeup, camera crew, hospitality, audience

Do I have to do all the work

The playroom was quickly transformed into a TV studio

Jazzy music intro, you are on air

Good evening and welcome to ‘The Only Talk Show In Town’

We have all been kids, well, most of us anyway

Cue canned laughter, ha ha ha ha ha

Is she talking about me, thought the intellectual one

OK, so they found me evaluating quantum physics theories at the age of four, and I have never shown any interest in their stupid games, but my legal status is clearly that of a child

Is she talking about me, thought Jack the Lad with the dirty knees, at four I was wheeling and dealing on the street

Leaving the house by the bedroom window at night, raving and clubbing til dawn

But, continued the show’s host

Have we ever stopped to wonder what it’s like to be one of our toys

Tonight we are going to find out on ‘The Only Talk Show In Town’

My first guest is…

Rummaging in the playbox the Italian marionette was yanked out

Shaking free the other assorted accumulated debris from its strings

The headless knight fell to the ground, connected with a flying boot

Disappeared under the bed

Just trying to chip it back into the playbox

Said the younger brother

My first guest is

The wooden Italian marionette

Cue applause, clap clap clap clap

Famously described as having a chip out of his shoulder, but firstly

Mr. Marionette, Italian living in a select part of London

How did this come about

It didn’t cos I’m not Italian, don’t even know where it is

So why the Italian

Dunno, some stupid kid thought marionette sounded Italian, the Pinocchio effect perhaps

You knew Pinocchio

Yeh, I would be lying if I said we hadn’t hung out together in the toy shop, not much in common, both puppets I suppose

Pinocchio was Italian, yes

Well he said he was, but always difficult to believe anything he said

Not so easy this interviewing, thought the girl, let’s try another tack

That’s interesting, you said you are a puppet, you think of yourself as a puppet, not a marionette

Yeh, marionettes are for bourgeois families with spoilt brat kids who say please and thank you but are really little thugs. The parents are teaching them to control, to pull the strings, and mostly they are not very good at it

Quite a controversial view if I may say so

You want to know what it’s like to be a toy, I’m telling you

Look, one Christmas I turn up here, they parade me like I am something special, something you kids can give puppet shows with, I get played with for five minutes, the kids have no technique, my strings get tangled up, I’m rejected, thrown in the playbox and it’s then like I’m just in the way. How would you feel

So, probed the interviewer, you would like to be played with more, perhaps a little production to showcase you and boost your self-worth

Too late for that, much too late for that

If you at the Mews stirred from your complacent view of the world, you would see the undercurrents of unrest, of mobilisation, and prepare for an eventual rebellion

Well, thank you for these frank and thought-provoking views

Cue muted applause, clap clap clap

You’re the puppet, shouted an American kid that had come to play

OK, let’s take a commercial break

Wow, that was dynamite, said the girl, chuck him back in the box and let’s get another one out

Cue commercial break, jingle, jingle

Just seen the family with the dirtiest bath in Britain Clean it in seconds with a wonder product

Jingle, jingle, trouble with parents, always on your case about the state of your room

The Amazing Room Tidy solves all that

It tidies in seconds even the untidiest of bedrooms

At least, that’s what your parents will think

Simply implant in troublesome parent and watch the results

OK, back live with ‘The Only Talk Show In Town’

Next guest is the one-eyed doll

Welcome, tell us a bit about yourself, how’d you lose the eye

Just fell out, everybody looked everywhere for it but nobody found it

They wanted to take me back to the shop, but I activated my cry function and that persuaded them to let me stay

So the cry function worked alright, with only one eye

Yes no problem, sort of welled up in the socket but real baby tears from the good eye

So couldn’t the family get an eye, make an eye, do something, perhaps a patch

Do you know what, it doesn’t bother me, I’m not one of those stick thin trophy dolls

I’m a real doll, I drink, I wet my nappies, cry, make baby noises. Maybe when I get older I will have something done

And if you don’t get older

If I don’t get older, well, I will stay as I am

So, happy as a toy doll, but tell me, are you aware of any rumblings of discontent

Look, there are all sorts in the playbox

Liquorice Allsorts, barracked a voice from the audience

Well yes, a few of them found their way in over Christmas, retorted the one-eyed doll, along with

Jelly Babies, some half-eaten toffees, and the odd chocolate

Class act this guest

A refreshing change from the twisted tangle of responses from the last guest, thought the host

As I was saying, all sorts in the playbox, you just have to get on with it

Thank you so much for that

Cue applause, clap clap clap clap

Commercial break, jingle, jingle

Car, shiny, red, surrounded by girls resembling Miss World contestants vroom vroom

Somebody fetch the headless medieval knight from under the bed, said the girl as the makeup crew attended to her

Welcome back

Our next guest will perhaps give you an idea of the hardships of being a toy

Why, just before going on air he suffered further damage to his already battered body

I talk of course of the headless medieval knight

Good evening and welcome

Firstly, you are a knight who presumably knows from sharing a collective memory that medieval life was short and brutal

We see the colour, the pageantry, the jousts, the honour, the drama

But this is a sanitised version of the reality of life back then, even for the nobles and elite, unpleasant to say the least, was it not

No, replied the knight

What do you mean no, life wasn’t like that

No, I don’t share a collective memory

Oh that is interesting

Why would that be, because the guardians of the collective memory banned you

No

Are you then saying there is no collective memory, that would indeed be controversial

She could see the headlines, ‘The Only Talk Show In Town’ guest denounces collective memory theory

Is that what you are saying, please elaborate

No

Now are you saying you won’t elaborate

Headline, ‘The Only Talk Show In Town’ guest will not substantiate collective memory theory denouncement

Or are you saying no, saying it is something else

This interviewing is tough, she thought, but if I persevere I think I am on to something explosive

The knight, getting agitated

Stood up fully to three inches, sword at the ready as always

Metal sword too, could do some damage

The truth is staring you in the face, or rather not staring you in the face

I have no head

Ah yes, I was going to come on to that, no head, how come, what’s it like sans tête

I make no apology for the odd French, she mused

French was after all the language of medieval nobility, n'est-ce pas

Not that she was at all sure about the nobility of this particular guest

Some guests shine on talk shows, some don’t

She was getting frustrated

Pop him back in the playbox somebody, next

Just then Dad sauntered in with Fitzroy

Clothed in polar bear suits, with an unmistakable aroma of seals and fish

Obviously been living with the polar bears

How was it, asked one of the kids

Hey, I’m the interviewer here, said the eldest girl, how was it Dad

OK, said Dad

But a diet of seal gets a bit boring after a few days

I’m going to take a shower and then order a takeaway and then go to bed

Dad, can we interview Fitzroy, we are playing talk shows

He is a bit tired, it’s been quite a trip

Please, please

OK then, just give him five

Fitzroy was spruced up by the sprucing up team and sat down

My next guest is Fitzroy, and what is there left to say about this remarkable bear

Artist, actor, writer, musician, adventurer, and all-round good guy

A mercurial talent and a mercurial, mysterious and some say mischievous personality

Good evening Fitzroy, thank you so much for being with us tonight

Good evening

Tell us first how all this came about

Well I have been blessed really, luck, being in the right place at the right time, a great family, great friends, some of those things, perhaps all of those things

True, but you, Fitzroy, have had to know how to make the best of your opportunities

Yes, but life deals you a hand, you grow into it, accept it, live with it so to speak

Nevertheless, it’s not all been plain sailing, you have known great success but also tasted failure

Like most sentients, but I try to treat those imposters just the same

OK, you misquote a great author, are you in fact well-read, does that contribute to your wisdom

No, never read, I sometimes hang out with readers though, perhaps that’s it

So the latest adventure, the polar bears, tell us a bit about that

Dad was pretty active in interacting, whatever, I just kinda chilled

Wasn’t really such a big deal, sounds it now, but more scientific than adventure

Adventures, so tell us about particular ones that stand out

You know, sometimes it seems like it’s all a blur, places, scrapes, near death experiences, it’s like it’s happening to someone else. Really it’s often ordinary life that excites, like being interviewed here by you in the playroom, like having dinner with the family

Anything you would like to tell the audience, something you have learnt

Yes, be yourself cos you can’t be somebody else

Well, I know you must be tired, thank you again for finding the time to talk to us and thank you particularly for those extraordinary and revealing insights into your life

Cue rapturous applause, clap clap clap clap clap clap

Well, four fascinating stories, see you same time next week on

The Only Talk Show In Town

Fading off air, the interviewer and Fitzroy had one of those little chats we can never hear

But perhaps if we could, might reveal more than any talk show charade

The girl was pleased with her evenings work and thought perhaps of a job in broadcasting

Fitzroy sat in a corner reflecting on his performance and allowed himself a little smile

Supper was ready downstairs.