Gorillas

The Jungle Meddle in other lives at your peril GORILLAS Something going on with my Mum and Dad Said the eldest girl to her friend Mum hardly speaks to him Dad wanders around with a slightly exasperated air Like he’s accused of crimes he did not commit Like The Fugitive, said her friend Well, not quite, said the eldest So when did this all start Well, last Saturday we were all watching TV All the kids wanted to watch the reality show The Y Factor But my parents insisted we watch this documentary about gorillas They like to try and educate us you see But I bet they wished we had watched something else

Turns out it was some independent film company Filming silverback gorillas in the wild So, the programme starts and who is living with the gorillas Can you guess What, one of the nobodies from the Y Factor No, it’s only Dad and Fitzroy One of their jaunts What, they have a film crew following them around now No that’s the thing, a film company got wind of their next venture Followed them and filmed them in secret What, your Dad and Fitzroy were filmed by guys hiding in the jungle and didn’t notice a thing Well, they did have their fair share of problems First off it was fine Dad had learned Gorilla and explained that they just wanted to live with them for a couple of weeks Top gorilla asked why Dad explained, that’s what we do, that’s who we are OK, said top gorilla, you look honest, a cool sort of guy But then after a few days One of the females took a fancy to Dad Took to following him around, bit of a crush perhaps Perhaps thought he could take her away to a better life, I dunno So Dad went to the big cheese, top gorilla, and in perfect Gorilla explained the problem Top gorilla got up, strutted around, rubbed his chin and beat his chest Sorry mate, he said, you might not like this but Option one, you just put up with it, play the game, you might get to like her too I don’t want to see that girl hurt any more But I’m a married man, said Dad, what’s option two I tear you to pieces my zoological friend I’m vegetarian, so I’ll let the vultures pick your bones Then throw them in the pit with the others So, A or B, what is it to be Meanwhile, Fitzroy had been claimed by one of the young males Intelligent, good looking, not unlike Dad in his younger days Took him everywhere with him All quite interesting, if a little overpowering Not to mention the all-pervasive gorilla smell So, we were all watching the programme And after we got over the shock of Dad and Fitz being in it And Dad muttering about invasion of privacy It all began to get worse The film really concentrated on the growing romance All pretty innocent, but a lot of preening and picking of nits And eye contact and little strolls into the jungle Handholding Until Mum threw the remote at the TV and left the room Dad ran after her One of the boys said, good, it’s so boring, now we can turn over to the other programme But I said, let’s watch this a little longer It’s interesting with the commentary describing the drama And claiming controversial zoological breakthrough So now, after the programme, there is definitely an atmosphere in the house

Dad keeps trying to explain, but is not really getting anywhere So, asked her friend, how did they get out of it Well it wasn’t like a Hollywood blockbuster with endless chases and noise It was all rather tame, rather grown up Fitzroy said that top gorilla just let them go The film director knew a bit of Gorilla and realised their predicament He had his film in the can and perhaps out of conscience or fear of repercussions Decided to do something Well, where would it all end He liked to think of himself as a serious documentary maker and this could have ended up Last Tango in the Jungle

So with some difficulty and regret he intervened Strolled into the gorilla patch with his armed men Chief gorilla made a deal Just sort of contemptuously waved Dad and Fitz away They sprinted for the jungle and the protective shelter of the detested film crew The female let out a long and anguished cry and collapsed in a love forlorn heap The young male had lost his companion and paced violently and angrily All filmed, but going to be shown in part-two next Saturday Probably be round to yours to see it obviously So, what about you, said the eldest to her friend, any dramas at home Well nothing like that exotic tale But they are not speaking either Oh why Just a disagreement about the positioning of a shelf Dad wants it in one place but Mum wants it in a different place Parents, who would have them But no doubt in a couple of days everything will be fine.