Land Speed Record

The American Desert

Success and failure are sometimes by the tiniest of margins determined

LAND SPEED RECORD

Breaking news, on every channel

A car breaking up

Reruns, slow-mos, close-ups, different angles

Looks like the attempt has failed, or has it

Let’s look at that again

Rerun that again

A couple of hours earlier

British toff in sports jacket and cravat

Sporting a tidy moustache, nonchalantly slides into his car

More of a rocket with wheels really

Declines the crash helmet

Won’t be needing that, he scoffs

Then on second thoughts better wear it, set a good example

Wow, this Brit is cool but responsible at the same time

Waves away the army of overalled mechanics

Who are busying themselves with all sorts of esoteric routines

Let’s get this baby on the road

You’re the toff, the crowd yelps as clouds of exhaust engulf them

Two runs needed to deliver what this pilot does covet

To break the land speed record held by his noble compatriot

Sadly no longer with us

The first run good, on track, now let’s do better

Let’s snaffle that record, enthuses his sponsor

And off he goes again, like a bullet followed by a plume of sand and smoke

Racing across the American desert

Then closing in on the record, disaster

The craft’s line no longer clean

An explosion ruptures the desert air, the pilot ejects

Silence descends upon the scene

Even across the airwaves, which is almost unknown

Back in the studio

The silence didn’t last too long

The presenters had their jobs to do

Analysts appeared from nowhere

OK, confirmation the pilot is ok

At first unconscious, but now stirred, still very shaken we hear

Let’s rerun that again

Look, I don’t believe this, closing in on the record

Wow, what’s this crazy Brit doing

He looks like he’s on his cell phone

What’s the deal

Forgot to order pizza, to feed the cat

Hey, this guy is cool but crazy

Let’s take the next few frames

Right, he put away his cell

So that’s not it, now what’s that on the track, let’s have a look

Let’s get a real close-up on that

Is it a broom, they sweep the track for this sort of deal you know

If that is a broom, he is going to have to sue

Tell you what, look at that broom shatter when it’s hit

That broom is matchsticks now

Now he is ejecting, but is it before or after the line, impossible for us to say

But look, another object flying from the stricken craft, what the hell is that

Just after the pilot, what is that object, can’t tell

Well this one is going down to the wire, has he got the record

This is a tough one for the judges to call

Is this guy a hero or a nearly man, we don’t know

OK, now listen up, the analysis of the footage shows

The object thrown from the car was a teddy bear

A teddy bear, what the hell was it doing there

These crazy Brits, not uncommon across the pond this sort of thing

But hold on, this could change everything

Looks like the pilot ejects before the line, a little premature

Then the bear could be said to be driving and has taken the record

Breaking news, name is Fitzroy

But this Fitzroy is nowhere to be found

Endless discussions ensued

Speculation, analysis, reruns, profiles

They awaited the judge’s verdict

Breaking news, the judges call the record good

And they’ve just found the record breaker

Some redneck was trying to smuggle him out of the enclosure

But they have him, dusty, singed, but cool

They have stuck a wreath around his neck

He is with the medics right now

They will spruce him up, comb his fur, he may need a stitch or two

OK well, take a break, we’ll be right back

What’s the weather Dolores, what’s in store

Later that day

All the family gathered to watch the presentation

Dad’s head bandaged like the invisible man

Hard to know what he was thinking

A PROUD TEDDY BEAR TAKES THE TROPHY FOR THE NEW WORLD LAND SPEED RECORD

You’re the bear, cheered the crowd, you’re the bear

Fitzroy was quickly hurried off for a series of interviews

Back at the BBC news centre

Good evening, here are today’s headlines

The Bank of England has been forced to intervene to prevent the value of the pound reaching parity against the 1970 version of Monopoly money

A record rise in unemployment has been recorded this month, although a government spokesperson has said the general trend continues to be down

Members of parliament have voted themselves above-inflation pay rises as part of a larger package of austerity measures

In the United States the land speed record has been broken by a British teddy bear

The weather tomorrow will be early mist and fog, followed by drizzle and then widespread rain. It is expected to remain cool and wet for the following week.