The Remake

The Playroom

Beware, the heat of ambition burns even gentle minds

THE REMAKE

Serious stuff in the playroom

Actor needed for starring role in a big film project the kids were working on

They had already tackled Last Days at Marienbad and Ben-Hur

This time it was a remake of The Wicker Man

And no one wanted to play the central character

One wonders why

So, one of the kids went to the playbox

Pulled out a bear by its ears

Unkempt, a little bit cross-eyed, and a little bit lost

The bear was thrust into the limelight

It’s Tuffty, he will do

Fitzroy looked at Tuffty and gave a little shrug

Hey bear, this is a big break for you

Years to come there will be those who say

I knew Tuffty when he was nothing, playroom trash

Bottom of the pile

But word of advice, give it your best shot

Get fired up, ever heard of method acting, well there you go

Fitzroy sat back in his ‘Associate Producer’ chair

Smoked a cigar, well, pretended

And watched proceedings through the curling smoke from his lofty perch

Decidedly top of the pile was this guy Fitzroy

Only associate producer on this shoot

Could have taken over, but this one was important for the kids

Good to take a back seat sometimes

Good karma

So, casting done, the shoot was set to begin

The spotlight shone straight at Tuffty

And was he relishing it, hard to know

It took an awful lot to knock the untested actor into shape

And knock him into shape they did

All taking turns, that is except the little one

Then, in the best traditions, the shoot hit trouble

Rumours started that he was a spy

That he was a communist

Had a drink problem

Things were disappearing off the set

It was thought that he was being blackmailed

The press were hanging round, they could smell a story

Then the leading lady started complaining

Said she couldn’t work with him

He is scruffy, has significant communication issues

And cannot act

Then started making wild and serious accusations

Yeh, like he’s rejecting her advances, later was to write a Fleet Street hack

But Tuffty began to take it all with a little smile

He had known worse before coming to the playroom

And he knew his star was ascending if he could survive this film

Now, in the digital age anyone can make a film

The golden age of Hollywood long gone

Given over to mostly formulaic output designed only to boost revenue

All the stories told and retold

Aside from the minds of an inventive few

Where perhaps the seeds of a new renaissance are being sown

However, in the playroom they preferred to play the Hollywood game

For them, this was the last great picture, over budget, over acted, and over here

The critics sharpened their pens with considerable relish

This one was going to bomb

Shoddy ham-acted trash, summed up the general view

But, in spite of all this the director was a happy dude

The project was really getting to have an authentic feel

Not bad for a bunch of kids, pretty cool

And Tuffty was indeed beginning to shape up

Creating a credible and convincing character

But pretentions to be a matinee idol were quickly dashed

When they started to prepare to shoot the last scene

The garden centre had provided the wicker

An arty friend the design

The director read the script to Tuffty

Bear, this is your last scene

The wicker man stands in the garden

Perhaps the crowning glory of this audacious enterprise

We need you in it when we start the fire

We don’t use stunt bears here

We need to see the flames licking your fur

After that, I’m not too sure

We will do our best Tuffty, but the show must go on

And I think I speak for everyone when I say

Tuffty, you are now our friend

Epic scenes that night when they started the shoot

Massive flames and a plume of smoke

All eyes on the drama, except for the little one’s

Who had toddled to Dad, who appeared with a fire extinguisher and spoilt the scene

He looked around, shaking his head

Always known the film business to be collective insanity

The kids were beginning to realise what they could so easily have done

Solemn, ashamed faces, some tears, but relief all round that Tuffty had been spared

A little singed but otherwise unharmed

If this is the film business, then give me a job in a bank, said one

Just as bad these days, quipped another

All a little dazed

Pan to faces

Poignant song denoted the end

Roll the credits

And cut, said Dad ambiguously

Were the cameras still rolling

Was this a film within a film

Was it all staged with the acquiescence of Mum and Dad

Was there really a danger to Tuffty

Was it some elaborate learning exercise

Don’t know, hard to tell

Clever ending.